Prepping Gangster-Style for Black Friday Shopping with Anna Banks

November is the season for family, food and…Black Friday shopping. Whether you’re a Black Friday shopper or a Black Friday boycotter Anna Banks has some tips sure to make you laugh.

Look, I know Black Friday kicks off the season for giving and all that crap, but if you’re a serious shopper and don’t want to be bullied this year, you need to take my advice. After all, failing to plan is planning to fail, mkay? So, here are some tips to take your shopping experience to a whole new level:

Wear no makeup.

Wearing makeup implies that you want to look nice for others, and that you at least want them to find you pleasant. This is a wrong attitude to have on Black Friday. You don’t want to please others. You don’t want to look nice. You want to look like a fierce, sale-devouring beast who eats nice people for freaking breakfast and uses no utensils while doing it. If you don’t already have the real thing, consider getting a fake sleeve tattoo and a skull nose ring. If you must wear makeup, pencil in your brows to look angry all the time.

Skip the Latte.

For the love of GOD, don’t be that person who sips Starbucks while contentedly browsing in the iPod section. Drink Monster in big manly gulps, and crush the can against your forehead when you’re done. Sheesh.

Repel, Repel, Repel

Only pansies wear perfume on Black Friday. Consider spritzing on a little Liquid Ass instead. You’ll clear aisles in no time, giving you ample space and time to do your shopping.

Shop in Herds.

Be more places at once. Delegating items to people you know you can easily control is a win win. Middle-school aged children, for instance, can be useful when shopping for electronics because a.) They’re at your mercy if they want lunch at some point and b.) They know what’s up with electronics and other must-have gadgets that you might be oblivious to. Tell them they shop on commission; the more money they save you, the more commission they make. Keep your herd well-fed and hydrated though, or mayhem will break loose.

Role Play

Turn family time into prepping time on turkey day. Have each member of the family present a potentially hazardous situation, and practice how you’ll handle it in advance. What if someone cuts in front of you in line? What if a person grabs something out of your cart? Have direct, concise responses at the ready, like “Try cutting carbs instead of cutting in line, hag.” Let them know you mean business

Note: These are tips for handling wayward shoppers, NOT the employees of the store. You might want to bring those folks some chocolates and a lot of gratitude.