Heather Thurmeier: Worst Pick-Up Line Ever

I’ll just start by saying I’ve been off the market for a long time. I’m talking 21 years. But I’ll get to that later. First, bring on the pick-up lines so cheesy I’m going to need some wine and crackers to go with them.

Come on, ladies. Admit it. At some point or another, some guy has come up to you with that special twinkle in his eye. You know the one. At initial glance it says, “Hey, I’m cute and you’re cute, so maybe you want to get a drink with me sometime or, um, hookup or something. Whatever, I’m cool.” But then as he nears, you get a better look at it’s actually more of a “Hey, you’re not ugly and my little—I meant big!—man is looking for somewhere warm to spend the night and I really don’t want another visit from Palmalla and her five soapy friends, so… How you doin’?” (Said in a Joey from Friends voice)

Yeah, that twinkle. As the woman on the receiving end, it’s… special.

I have to admit I wasn’t really ‘picked up’ that many times. Mum, you can keep reading. In high school there was this one guy, a couple years older, who would regularly wander up behind me and say “Nice ass. When can I get some?” Not exactly a pick-up line wiz, but you gotta give him credit for complimentary qualities and persistence. I never did go out with him. Even back then, I knew I wasn’t just some piece of ass. Oh no, not this girl. I had a nice brain too and I was too smart to fall for that one.

I definitely got a few unwanted “Hey, can I have your phone number?” requests, but since they came from the thanks-but-no-thanks group, I politely declined with an “It’s in the phone book!” Cool beans, right? LOL. I know. I’m lame and not at all funny. But my friends laughed. That one probably wouldn’t work anymore since I haven’t even seen a phone book in ten years. Maybe it’s better than response is gone forever.

As an adult, I went back to a local college for a couple of years. Let’s just say at mid-to-late-ish twenties, I felt very out of my element with all these young, right-out-of high-school kids. I didn’t make a lot of friends, but that’s okay. I was there to learn. (No really. I was an adult by then.) This one time, I’m waiting outside my class for the last one to let out and a guy sits down next to me, on my right. He’s chatting away about the class and whatnot, asking me questions about assignments and whatever else, and I’m thinking, Yay, I’ve finally made a friend! And then he suddenly starts to look nervous and before I know it, he says “Can I take you out sometime?” No, Dude, don’t. Sigh. Not a terrible pick up line at all, but still no go. Poor guy never noticed the ring on my left hand. I was even more flattered that he thought I was young enough to ask out! I think that was the one and only time I spoke to him. I just wanted a friend and he had to go and ruin it by hitting on me. LOL.

Back to hubs and me. 21 long years ago we met and for the life of me I couldn’t remember specifically if my hubby reeled me in with a pick-up line or not, so instead of pretending like I remembered, I just asked him. His response? “I don’t think I was that smooth.” But honestly, he can’t really remember either. We remember where and when we met, that’s good enough, right? He may not have won me over with his words, but he had everything else going for him so I can’t really complain. And honestly, I’m kind of glad he didn’t give me some pick-up line that I then have to reiterate to everyone. It’s bad enough I have to tell people we met at a red light while out “cruising” with our friends. Now that I think about it, it would be kind of cute if he’d rolled down his window and I’d rolled down mine and he’d said, “You stop at this light often?” If hubby had said that, I’d probably have laughed and totally fallen for him. Good thing I didn’t need a pick-up line for that!

~Heather Thurmeier